The weakest Robin
by Metal Madness
Summary: The Riddler, for confusing reasons, has decided to finally discover which of the Robins is the best. This apparently means locking them all up together to bicker. Warning, this story is very, very odd.


Disclaimer: DC Owns Robin. All of them. Oh, and anyone else. Except Sezzi, just don't ask about that... 

Authors note: My god! I'm doing something other than a game fanfic. Well there you go. Also, for the record, Tim is acting as he is simply because he's the youngest.

"The hell?" Nightwing exclaimed, thoroughly confused. He could have sworn a moment ago he was fighting the Riddler on some random gargoyle on top of a nondescript building, but now he was in some small room which consisted of one cabinet and a chair. Also he had somehow reverted back to being a teenager, complete with his old Robin costume. Two thoughts were running through his head: Why would anyone want to do this to him, and why did Gotham have so many gargoyles? Dick's pondering, however, was cut short as a blinding flash of light penetrated the room. Once Dick could see again, a second Robin was standing near by, looking just as confused.

"This doesn't look like the annual traitorous dead people barbeque." The Robin remarked. He then noticed the second Robin watching him. "Why am I in a room with Batman's latest 'special friend'?"

"Who are you? You don't look like Tim, so why are you wearing the Robin costume." Dick questioned the second Robin, who had started throwing himself against the wall in an attempt to escape.

"You're guess is as good as mine, normally I'm allot older and in a cooler costume. As well as sort of dead."

"Same here... except that last bit, I don't..." Dick was cut of as a second blinding flash filled the room and left yet another Robin, one Dick recognised as Tim.

"Okay..." Tim stated as he looked around. "Have I somehow warped into a clone factory? Well whatever. Lesser beings, I, the original Drake, make myself leader, and..."

"Tim, I'm not a clone, I'm Dick."

"You sure are." The yet unnamed but obviously Jason Robin added. Dick gave him a cold stare.

"Dick? You've de-aged! Cool! Now we can go to school together! It'll be so much fun! You can be like the friend who doesn't criticizes my wearing of spandex I never had..." Tim exclaimed excitably. Dick nodded worryingly, walking away. "And you... other Robin!"

"Jason."

"Yeah! Wait, aren't you dead? Are you a Zombie? COOL!" Jason looked over at Dick confused.

"I think Tim has had too much sugar again." Dick claimed, a statement backed up by the fact Tim seemed to be jumping up and down allot.

"CHEESECAKE!" Tim suddenly blurted out.

"Oh dear." Jason muttered. Dick decided there a few things more important than worrying about a hyper Tim. Not many, but a few.

"So, anyone know where we are?" Drake asked hopefully.

"Oh, I do." A voice boomed out of nowhere. Dick and Jason looked around in a vain attempt to pinpoint the origin of the voice, while Tim pointed accusing at the chair.

"I know that voice... IT'S THE JOKER!" Tim exclaimed.

"No I'm not, I'm the Riddler." The voice corrected him.

"Isn't that what the Joker would want us to think?" Tim argued.

"No. No it isn't." Dick replied. "So Riddler, are you going to explain why you have brought Jason back from the dead, de-aged us, except for Tim, and locked us all in this room?"

"Yes... dead." Jason claimed shiftily.

"Yes. You see, I have decided I want to know the answer to one of the greatest riddles of all time: Which Robin was the best."

"That's not a riddle." Jason complained.

"Look, either I kidnap you all or Catwoman does, and if she does, you all would be older, naked-er and with a damn site more leather around the place." An angry sounding Riddler shouted.

"Never trust a woman with a whip." Dick muttered. Now that I think about it, Catwoman went around in skin tight leather, wielded a whip and flirted with a man dressed like a bat, she sure was a kinky villain. This has nothing to do with the story, but I don't really care, it needed to be said.

"Right, anyway, I have decided to discover which Robin was best, and to do so, I've turned you all back into Robin via the means of some random guy in Metropolis, locked you up, and am not letting any of you out until which Robin in best has been decided."

"Some random guy in Metropolis?" Dick cynically queried.

"Yeah, almost everyone over there seems to have some kind of super power."

"Wait, why isn't Stephanie here?" Tim further questioned.

"She lasted a few months and was killed by her doctor. There's no way she's the best."

"Fair enough, but why..."

"Silence! I'm the one that asks the questions around here!" This statement confused all three Robins. "I'm the Riddler. Riddles come in the form of questions... oh never mind, you lot biker amongst yourselves, I've got to see a man about a fish..." And with that, the Riddler was gone. There was a short silence in the room before Tim spoke.

"Well I'm obviously the best because I wear trousers." He stated. It was a long time before Dick or Jason could even see a remote amount of logic in that sentence.

"Anyway... we don't want to be locked in here long, so let's just say I'm the best and get out." Dick reasoned.

"Hay! Why you? Let's say I'm the best and get out." Jason suggested. Tim rolled his eyes.

"How could you be the best when readers voted to kill you off?" Jason stared blankly.

"Voted to kill me off? When the hell did the Joker get the opportunity to hold a democratic election over whether I should die or not?"

"He didn't. DC did."

"DC?"

"Yep."

"As in Washington D.C?" Jason stared quizzically at Tim for a minute. "I'm not talking to you anymore." Jason then turned to Dick. "So we're deciding I'm the best Robin then?" Dick shook his head.

"No. You did, that's it." Dick stated. "And why shouldn't I be the best Robin?"

"Well for one thing, you're too grumpy." Tim commented. Drake raised an eyebrow.

"Shouldn't that make me better? Everyone loves a brooding dark dude." Dick reasoned.

"We get enough of that with Batman." Jason commented.

Speaking of the caped crusader, Batman had noticed Tim's disappearance an hour ago, but didn't care and had instead gone to a swanky restaurant with Wonder Woman.

"This is a nice place." Wonder Woman commented.

"Angst." Batman replied.

"You've barely touched your lobster, what's wrong?"

"Angst."

"What's that? Flash is stuck down the well?"

"A grumpy yet smart comment."

Anyway, back to the Robins. Jason and Dick had somehow got into a slap fight, which is rather peculiar when you realise they are both trained in combat. Tim, deciding not to get in the way, had sat himself onto the chair and begun singing camp songs for some unidentified reason. Halfway through singing 'Ging Gang Gooly', Tim glanced to his left and noticed the cabinet.

"Oh, what's in there?" Tim asked enthusiastically. Dick turned around to see what Tim was on about, and forgot to block a slap from Jason.

"I have no idea." Dick admitted.

"I don't care." Jason added. No one actually paid attention to him though, so Dick and Tim went over to the cabinet to investigate.

"Interesting. Very interesting." Tim claimed, rubbing his chin.

"We haven't actually opened the cabinet yet." Dick pointed out, slapping himself in the face.

"I know, but look at the quality of the wood..." Dick sighed and actually opened the cabinet. Jason walked up behind the two, secretly suspicious himself about what was in the cabinet. "Well what do you know, there's a... weird... thingy..."

"It's a variation on the 'boom tube', it seems to be constructed to allow three, and only three people to come here and aid us." Dick analysed.

"How could you possibly know that?" Jason asked. Dick stared for a minute with a confused look on his face.

"I... don't... know. Anyway, I think were meant to use this to call one person each to help us argue why we're the best Robin." Jason rose an eyebrow.

"And we can't use it to, say, call Superman to break down the walls and let us out, why?" He asked.

"Because I was the best Robin and I'm going to prove it!" Dick shouted in response. Tim and Jason merely shrugged at each other in response. "And to prove I'm the best Robin, I call Starfire!" Dick held the boom tube like device over his head and stood completely still for five minutes.

"You don't know how to use it, do you?" Jason cynically commented.

"Do I look like the green dude in the JL?" Dick replied.

"Now that you mention it..." Tim was cut of by an angry look from Dick. Jason sighed a purposely audible sigh.

"Has anyone thought of pressing the big shiny button with the word 'teleport' on it?" The cynical Robin asked. Dick stared up at the device, and noticed the button Jason was talking about.

"...Yes." Dick claimed with shifty eyes. He then held the device above his head again, this time keeping the button pressed down. Dick then cleared his throat for no real reason, and then shouted "Starfire! I chose you!" As he finished shouting, an orange girl in a miniskirt fell on top of Dick. Dick stood up and blinked confused at the orange female. "You're not Starfire! Starfire wore much weirder clothes and wasn't anime!"

"Oh! She's the Starfire from the T.V show!" Tim Drake exclaimed.

"You been on the Mad Hatter's special drew?" Jason asked Tim sceptically.

"Now, just been talking to Deadpool." Tim explained. Jason slowly shifted away from Tim. Starfire picked herself off the floor and looked around.

"Friend Robin, why are there three of you, why are we in a door less room, and why are only one of you wearing pants?" Starfire questioned.

"'Friend Robin'?" Jason muttered.

"Okay young anime Starfire person, I'm the Robin you know, sort of, and these two are my predecessors, and you have to help me prove I'm the best Robin so we can get out of here." Dick explained. A look of understanding crossed Starfire's face, as did a big grin.

"Oh! On Tamarania, this ceremony is known as the 'bitching at each other flobarg'." She exclaimed. Dick nodded unsurely. Jason grew bored and snatched the boom tube like device off Dick.

"As lovely as your scary alien chick is, I think it's time I brought in my reinforcements, namely..." Jason paused and thought. "... I have nothing." Suddenly, Jason found Starfire in his face.

"You have no friends fake Robin?"

"Fake? I..."

"Oh what a poor creature must you be without friends... OH! I know! I shall be your friend!" An over cheerful Starfire then proceeded to hug a thoroughly confused Jason.

"The hell?" He simply exclaimed. While Jason slowly turned blue, Tim sneaked up and took the device.

"YAY! Now who shall I call... Stephanie! No, Batman! No, that random chav friend in the war games story! Oh! I Know! I'll call Sezzi!" At that moment, a brown haired teenage girl fell into the room. Jason, Dick and Starfire all looked blankly at her.

"Who the hell?" Jason asked, still being squashed by Starfire. Tim shrugged.

"I have no idea."

"Then why'd you call her?" Dick asked.

"Because I wanted to know if anyone actually had that name!" The brown haired girl, namely Sezzi, blinked twice, and then looked at Tim.

"TIMMY!" She shrieked, just before jumping to her feet and glomping him.

"Random person apparently called Sezzi!" Tim shouted in reply.

"Friends!" Starfire screamed, releasing Jason and hugging both Sezzi and Tim. It took five minutes for Jason and Dick to figure out a response to the events that had just occurred.

"What the fuck is going on?" They both muttered in union. Sezzi then released her hold on Tim and slapped Dick and Jason around the head.

"Silence mortals!" She bellowed.

"Its times like this I'm happy I was dead." Jason complained, rubbing his forehead. Dick backed away from the rest of the group, weirder out to an extent he did not know existed.

"Anyway... shouldn't we get down to getting out by deciding who the best Robin is?"

"TIM! It has to be TIM!" Sezzi shouted almost instantly. "He's much better than Dick Gayson and Jason... To... errr Todd...hmmm... Jason Fuckface!"

"No!" Starfire flew in front of Sezzi. "It is my Robin who is the best! For he is kind, and sweet, and a most excellent leader!" While the two girls swapped angry glares, Todd looked over at Dick slyly.

"My Robin, ay?" He commented. Dick was repeatedly hitting his head against a wall.

"This isn't happening, this is a dream, and this is an illusion brought on by the Scarecrow..." Dick continued doing this for about a half hour, even ignoring the fight between Starfire, who was using her weird green glowy power things, and Sezzi, who was using her weird fangirl powers, which for some reason meant she could manifest slippers out of thin air and poke people allot. The fight was won by Jason, who hit both the girls over the head with the chair. For some reason this knocked Starfire out, despite the fact she has been hit with all types of laser without flinching, but nothing can stand the mighty chair, NOTHING! Well, maybe a stool, but that's it. Wait, was I trying to make a point with this? Oh well, if I was I probably have, and we can return to our story. Tim was poking the unconscious Sezzi and Starfire with a stick he had found somewhere.

"So that boom tube-esq device was a bad idea." Jason remarked. "Speaking of which, I still have a go with that thing left."

"Oh!" Tim abandoned his poking of the two girls and bounced up. "I know who you can call! Call the Riddler!" Tim, unfortunately, didn't realise he was still holding the device, and accidentally brought a Marylyn Manson look-alike in green into the room.

"Who the hell are you?" Dick questioned the newcomer, whom dusted himself off as he got to his feet.

"I am the Riddler!" He exclaimed. Everyone raised an eyebrow.

"No your not." Jason claimed. The so called Riddler looked shocked.

"Yes I am!"

"Actually you're not." Dick added.

"But I am."

"No, not at all. " Sezzi argued, despite still being unconscious.

"You're really not." A voice belonging to the real Riddler claimed.

"I though you had gone!" Dick commented. The real Riddler laughed.

"How long do you think it takes to go talk to a man about a fish?"

"You know, for a tale with two Riddlers, there sure aren't allot of riddles." Tim pointed out.

"There is only one Riddler and that is me!" The gothic dude in green shouted.

"Well then riddle me this." The aggravated voice of the other Riddler demanded. "I wear green spandex, but I have no brain, I look like a KISS member, but such a thing no girl has given me. Who am I? I'll give you a hint, he's an impostor Fuck face." The gothic Riddler glared angrily at nothing in particular.

"Mock I and my kit, but you're merely shit!" He retorted.

"Your incongruity perplexes me, how can a person be so deranged?"

"Your dissection into my character is better applicative to yourself."

"The words are starting to get long. I'm going to bed." Tim announced, dropping to the floor and snoring loudly instantly.

"Right my Juvenile doppelganger; let's see if you have the physical abilities to match the mouth!" The Riddler shouted, turning his microphone thing off and slamming open the door into the room. Dick's eyes widened in confusion.

"How long has there been that door there?" He asked.

"All the time, I just painted it the same colour as the room so you didn't notice it." The real Riddler explained. Jason raised an eyebrow.

"That makes absolutely no sense." He remarked.

"So? It worked." The Riddler replied. He then turned to the other Riddler, who was twirling a golden can with a question mark on top of it. "Now my insidious copycat, lets rumble!"

What followed can only be called 'extreme Riddler pro boxing/wrestling/karate/golf', and I deem it too odd, even for this story, to write in detail about. Besides, how much do you really want to read about two skinny blokes with a fetish for green duking it out? If you are into that kind of thing, go read a Green Lantern fic or something. Anyway, while the two Riddlers were in there heated battle, Dick and Jason strolled out of door, followed shortly by Tim when he woke up. If anyone cares, the Riddler battle was won by Sezzi, who used the beheaded corpse of Starfire (which she had beheaded) to beat both Riddlers senseless.

"That was... weird." Dick commented. Jason stroked his chin thoughtfully.

"You know, we never found out who was the best Robin." He pointed out. At that moment Tim jumped out from behind both of them and landed on top of Jason's head. Jason promptly fell over.

"Oh! I know! We'll go ask Bruce!" Tim announced, grabbing both Jason and Dick and running towards Bruce's mansion.

Batman sat in that big comfy chair in the Bat cave as he listened to the three Robins' story about adventure, daring and Riddlers.

"Angst." Batman asked quizzically.

"I have no idea how me and Jason are going to get back to our normal ages, we'll figure it out later." Dick claimed. "So, anyway, which of us was the best Robin?"

"Angst." Batman replied truthfully.

"Who the hell is Terry McGinnis?"

Forty years in the future a very angry Terry shouts at Bruce Wayne.

"I am NOT a Robin!" Terry shouted angry, pointing at the spiky ears on his futuristic Batman costume.

"Super omega old man angst!" Bruce replied. This roughly translates to 'you're a punk kid, have black hair and work for me, how are you not Robin?'. Terry stormed out of the bat cave muttering angry.

"Stupid Bruce and his stupid stories. How could that even claim I was the best Robin, unless he can see into the future? Stupid retarded..." Bruce ignored these comments and leaned back in his big comfy chair.

"I thought this happened in the cartoon continuum, not the comic continuum." He randomly claimed.

The End. Seriously. Go review or something.


End file.
